As I sit here contemplating what to say I realise most of you who know of follow me will know I am well off track, not just off track but on the completely wrong road. I have had about as many carbs as you could possibly have over the last week and I feel it......I feel it down to my very pores. My blood tests are again up (you can check those out on my blood test's page) and my weight is back over 120 (264 lbs) in fact it is as 121.5 kgs. First day of TOM, so hopefully that will help bring things back down quickly.
I did not go to work today, I was getting horrible nasty cramps (no doubt to do with TOM) and feeling nauseous (no doubt to do with TOM and the amount of carbs I have enhaled)
I have spent today thinking about a lot of things and listening to my inner voice. This came about after watching the following you tube clips. The first was shared amongst some of the WLS community today and the second is another one from the same 'sister'. They about treating yourself well, and how you speak to yourself everyday. And how we need to practise this daily - even starting by saying (even if you don't believe it) to yourself in the mirror every morning and eventually we will start to believe it.
So after watching these, what did I hear myself saying....what was the thoughts I was thinking about myself. I can tell you that I would not say these things to anyone I cared about, nor to most people I didn't care about. I can tell you that the things I tell myself are all negative, and that I 'deserve' what I put into my success (which is zip).
I tell myself I am fat, lazy, useless a quitter and that I can't achieve the things I want to achieve.I am ugly and messy and filthy and a failure at everything I do. I tell myself that no one really likes me (hence why I don't have many real life friends). I tell myself I am boring and stuck in a rut and scared and lonely. And because I tell myself these things I am making them true.
Some may think I am having a pity party, but I am seeing this more as an opportunity to look inside a window. I know that on the inside looking out it is hard to see a way forward, but that is only because the window is too grimy. Maybe it is time to try cleaning the window and learning how to focus on the positives. Even if I don't believe them at the moment, if I keep doing it, then I hopefully will start to let the words sink in.
The other thing that has sunk in over the last couple of days is a blog from one of the Bariatric TV presenters. She talks about how WLS isn't for wussies and that it is not the 'easy way out' and that it requires dedication and work. She talks about how it important it is to SPEW (huh?). What she is talking about is Supplements, Protein, Exercise and Water. You can read Lynnda's Blog Entry here.
Out of all of those I have really only concentrated on protein (and only a 1/2 assed attempt). So now I need to get off my backside and commit to this journey. Every minute.......and make it count.
As Katie Jay would say - I need to get back up again.
How am I going to do this? Well I have to stop the negative 'mind talk' and listen to the truth. I am an almost 40 year old women, who has a loving husband and family around her, who does have friends ( I just don't see them all the time). I am strong and I CAN do whatever I put my mind to.
One of the things I treasure from my Mum (who died in 2005) is a card that she once gave me when I was about 19 and had just failed at broadcasting school. I actually quit because it got too hard and I was on the brink of failing with my marks. Anyway I was at the time devastated and I have no idea what to do next. Mum sent me this card, and I have kept it all these years and it hangs on the wall in my computer room. Pity I don't seem to be able to hear the words or actually have good opinions of myself to instill.
There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be.
That's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better.
There are times when people disappoint you and let you down,
but those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust
your own judgements and opinions,
to keep your life focused on believing in yourself
and all that you are capable of.
There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life,
and it is up to you to accept them.
Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you.
It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle
you will find a stronger sense of who you are,
and you will also see yourself developing into the person
you have always wanted to be.
Life is a journey through time, filled with many choices;
each of us will experience life in our own special way.
So when the days come that are filled with frustration and
unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself
and all you want your life to be,
because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the dreams
that you know are meant to come true for you.
So back once again to how I am going to get myself sorted.
1st thing is too clean my house, so I don't feel like I am constantly battling mountains of washing etc........maybe then I will actually enjoying being at home.
Then I am going to sit down and make a realistic plan about how I need to live, and that does include ditching the carbs as they really are poison for me. I need to sort my Supplements out and that is most likely where Bariatric Advantage is going to come into play, as they are due to start being on the market in New Zealand in the next couple of weeks. They can also help with the protein as I am dying to try the new Protein crisps and the meal replacement bars. I also know that I need to order some more Eatme protein shakes as I have just about run out. I think I prefer the Whey to the isolate, they seem to make thicker shakes and seem slightly less sweet.
I also have to get those walks in every day with the dog....regardless of if it is raining. I don't melt in the rain and nor does the dog. I will also try and go to the Aqua Zumba class once to see if I like it. Will see.
Water does not feature in my live at the moment, I have gone back to Coke Zero's. so I have now filled a 2 litre water in the fridge and if I need to have that instead. So that is the SPEW taken care of. Now to get back to low carbing, as both Simon and I were enjoying it. But I resented not being able to have things I liked...................and like Lynda said in her blog recently is that you have to want to change those habits......and I have not been ready, even after WLS. I still want my cake and eat it too and I have to figure out how to change that attitude.