You and I have been best friends for such a long time. I used to (and sometimes still do) think that you have always been there for me and have never let me down. I used to think that I you tried to help me become friends with other people, but really they were only my friend so they could get to know you and that is what you wanted. You wanted me to feel let down when those friendships didn't work, or when I was hurt and lonely. That way, I would come back to you and wallow in self pity. You are one of those friends who I need but who I know is bad for me. The trouble is I know that I need you........but on my terms, but how do I make you see that? You remind me of that childhood friend who when she came to my house we had to do things her way because she was the visitor, but when I went to her house then we did things her way as it was her house.
I hate the way that you always manage to pop into my head, sometimes you are the first thing on my mind and you manage to find a way to make me change my mind on how I want to be or what aspects of our friendship are acceptable. You seem to have a control over me and some days I am dazed under your spell and my intentions of choosing to hang out with the healthy version of you gets pushed to one side.
You remind of the ad about how stopping drinking (leaving your mates at home). For me it is like I don't need "chippies food" or "chocolate food" or "processed food". I would however like to get to know "real food" and "healthy food', so can you please let me spend some time with them.
I know I still need to have a relationship with you to exist, but I am struggling to find how to put you in your place. It feels like sometimes you are my only friend. Sure I have friends online and I know people, but I don't feel connected to anyone. Now I am not sure if that is due to my relationship with you, but somehow I think that due to the hold you have over me I have trouble forming those other friendships........you somehow manage to draw me back it.
I actually don't remember a time in my life where I have ever had a good relationship with you. every day of my life growing up I was always around the not healthy versions of you. and I found ways to get more of that relationship. I even stole money to be able to buy more of you (even though I used to give most of it away to others in order to try and make friends with them).
The other thing I find amazing is that I believe you over everyone else in my life, even over health professionals who have tested my skin and blood and told me that I can't tolerate being in a friendship with "gluten food". I have even asked people to cut me open to give me tools that can help with my relationship with you but somehow you have managed to creep back in there inch by inch and take what some days feels like a stranglehold and others feels like a security blanket.Wow, some of that did not come out as I expected (or imagined when I was lying there trying not to get up to do this), but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until it was done. So to update everyone. I am still on the steroids, but the specialist is looking at putting me on a new one (not funded so need special authority) which is a non appetite stimulant and apparently non weight inducing one......My weight is up to 126.9 kgs (279 lbs) and I have put on 25.9 kgs (56.98lbs) since my lowest.
Well, this is the way it is.......THIS IS MY HOUSE, and I NEED to do this on MY terms. So Food, that means that things have to change. I need to take control of you. I am still working out what the terms of our relationship will be, but for now I need to spend time with "Real" and "Healthy Food" and I need to make other friends outside of our relationship......I know that means you will want to show your face (possibly unexpectedly).......but for now I need to put plans in place to deal with you. I need to build a normal relationship with you and not one based on fear and insecurities.
I am sure this will not be the last letter I have to write to you, but hopefully the next one will be explaining how pleased I am that our relationship is changing.
I am in the process of buying a bicycle to help with the exercise my body needs and as you can tell, I am struggling with the food. I need to update more, an online friend pointed out to me recently that I must be struggling as I have not updated. So here is to getting the regain off and re-establishing my relationship with food.