Sunday, May 10, 2009

struggling to keep head above water

I am struggling, really starting to struggle with everythign right now. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks trying not to let it get to me, but not succeeding.

I am fucked off about not hearing about that job and although I know that if they don't hire me, it was definately not my skills, I will be really really hurt and at a loss as to what to do next. I am hating my current job so much at the moment, and it doesn't help that the accountant is sayign things like "so how much are you and Simon going to get on the dole?" that is if they actually speak to me at all.

I am also pissed that we never have any money at the moment. Si is doing his best to make a go of this opportunity and it is starting to pay off and will certainly take the pressure off if it comes to the end of June and I still haven't found work. I am trying really hard to stay positive, but very very hard when it feels like we have been stopped in our tracks.

The weight is just not coming fact I am back up to 101.8 this morning, and I am still having feet/knee/cramping issues and I find it really hard going to walk for too long. I have been to the doctor and he is certain it is because of my shoes........well bugger me, yes I have flat feet and bunions, but can I afford to go and get orthotics....NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! So once again, I will do the best I can. I can't afford to go to the pool at the moment, and actually even if I could, i wouldn't as I have the most wicked ezcema on my elbows and bum, and upper thighs and they are unsitely and I also now seem to have got some sort of blisters/ezcema on my nose and face, and just feel like I am falling apart.

I am on wicked does on anti biotics at the moment for a recurring cyst (on my groin)that just wont go away and it is painful and the anti-biotics make me extremely tired and very vague and make my dreams really bizarre. last night for example I was extremely concerned that mcDonalds don't use Halal I am not sure where this has come from as I am not muslim and I don't give a damn if it is halal or not. I also woke up with a fright at one point last night and couldn't breathe.

Today also sucks as it is Mothers Day, well it doesn't suck for everyone else, and I do wish everyone a great Mothers Day, but for me I miss my Mum, and it is far to wet to go to the cemetary and just have a chat. It also would have been Mum and Da's 51st weddign anniversary if she had still been together. I am also kinda sad that I am not yet a mother and it feels liek I am running out of time. I know I am only 36 and that if I got pregnant tomorrow i would only be 37 when I had a bubs.....but realistically I am not sure it is going to happen.

So today I am sad and frustrated for a number of reasons. Thanks for letting me bleat now I am going to go and play some World of Warcraft so I can escape for a bit and keep warm in the computer rooma s our fireplace has been condemned and I am damn cold.


  1. Hang in there, the stress wont be helping with the weight issue and also waiting to hear about the job isn't going to be doing you any good either. I will send you an email as the phone is still playing up.

  2. Deep breath girl, you have alot, ok way too much on your plate (and believe I know how you feel) at the moment. The job, will come if it is meant to be, if not the next opportunity is yours for the taking!!! As for the weight, stress is the worst for it, and of course you are living in that world right now, I'm so sorry that you could not visit your mum today that must have felt horrible....I am sending you a big hug and I know it will get better sometimes it just does not seem fair but your time will come!!! Hang in there

  3. hun sorry u r feeling so down know how u feel kiddo

    if u have a few minutes send me an email and I can call u I am on the pay a fee and make all tol calls so free for me to call I am away out of town tomorrow but sometime this week

    hugs Felicity

  4. Hard - but try and keep positive. Maybe no new is good news on the job front. They say everything happens for a reason but as my girl says she wishes she knew what the reason was.

    Also your weight is more or less maintaining despite the stress going on in your life.

    Today is a hard day for all that have lost their mums.

    Take care - Anne

  5. Sorry life is sucking right now...
    Sounds like your body is reacting badly to all the stress... cyst etc....
    Hopefully things WILL pick up soon for you.

  6. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I am sure you will get a job soon, if nothing you really want comes up then you may have to do something else for a bit, McDonalds or supermarket, at least it is a job.

    I suspect the antibiotics are screwing with your weight and the stress of the job huntung & not knowing what is happening job wise is not helping.

    Things WILL turn out fine.

  7. Yes, the meds could be messing with the scale and with your emotions to a certain extent, though you certainly do have a lot going on!

    Though I am a mother and my 80 year old mother is still with us, today was a bit sad for me too, as a month ago we lost my husband's mum unexpectedly and I really miss her.