I am struggling, really starting to struggle with everythign right now. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks trying not to let it get to me, but not succeeding.
I am fucked off about not hearing about that job and although I know that if they don't hire me, it was definately not my skills, I will be really really hurt and at a loss as to what to do next. I am hating my current job so much at the moment, and it doesn't help that the accountant is sayign things like "so how much are you and Simon going to get on the dole?" that is if they actually speak to me at all.
I am also pissed that we never have any money at the moment. Si is doing his best to make a go of this opportunity and it is starting to pay off and will certainly take the pressure off if it comes to the end of June and I still haven't found work. I am trying really hard to stay positive, but very very hard when it feels like we have been stopped in our tracks.
The weight is just not coming off.....in fact I am back up to 101.8 this morning, and I am still having feet/knee/cramping issues and I find it really hard going to walk for too long. I have been to the doctor and he is certain it is because of my shoes........well bugger me, yes I have flat feet and bunions, but can I afford to go and get orthotics....NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! So once again, I will do the best I can. I can't afford to go to the pool at the moment, and actually even if I could, i wouldn't as I have the most wicked ezcema on my elbows and bum, and upper thighs and they are unsitely and I also now seem to have got some sort of blisters/ezcema on my nose and face, and just feel like I am falling apart.
I am on wicked does on anti biotics at the moment for a recurring cyst (on my groin)that just wont go away and it is painful and the anti-biotics make me extremely tired and very vague and make my dreams really bizarre. last night for example I was extremely concerned that mcDonalds don't use Halal meat........now I am not sure where this has come from as I am not muslim and I don't give a damn if it is halal or not. I also woke up with a fright at one point last night and couldn't breathe.
Today also sucks as it is Mothers Day, well it doesn't suck for everyone else, and I do wish everyone a great Mothers Day, but for me I miss my Mum, and it is far to wet to go to the cemetary and just have a chat. It also would have been Mum and Da's 51st weddign anniversary if she had still been together. I am also kinda sad that I am not yet a mother and it feels liek I am running out of time. I know I am only 36 and that if I got pregnant tomorrow i would only be 37 when I had a bubs.....but realistically I am not sure it is going to happen.
So today I am sad and frustrated for a number of reasons. Thanks for letting me bleat now I am going to go and play some World of Warcraft so I can escape for a bit and keep warm in the computer rooma s our fireplace has been condemned and I am damn cold.