It's OKAY to not be OKAY

I am 3.5 hours into my second 12 hour shift for the weekend, and I can honestly tell you that this is going by so slowly……..It is really quiet here today and the person I am working with is not communicative at all…..like I have had a mumbled “hello” when I walked in the door and a “I’m going to the toilet” and that is it…….It is such a drag compared to yesterday where the women I was working with is very chatty and we get on really well…..honestly yesterday felt like just hanging out with a friend for the day.

I am technically still in training, although she hasn’t once asked me about anything I have done or checked up on me…..in fact 90% of the I have been here she has been on the phone to friends/family…….nothing work related……..now she is surfing trademe……..I mean I have facebook up and you tube etc but I am still actioning things when they come in and I have taken 90% of the phone calls.

I was hoping to get a video recorded and uploaded for youtube today, but I don’t think that is going to happen.

I have been doing some thinking about where I am at – and more so since watching a you tube video from Allison……and a post earlier in the week from Jo…..basically it is okay to not be OKAY….and to be struggling, and it is important to actually talk about it……it is not okay to sweep it under the carpet and not deal with it……

I am sitting at just above my “alarm bells” weight of 105 kgs…..today it was 105.6 and I know most of that is because I am making some stupid decisions when it comes to food and I can eat junk until I almost dump…..then I wait for a bit…..then do it all over again…….I should only be having my 3 meals a day, and I should be having much more water than I am…….I almost drink no water……..I am getting the exercise in most of the time……but the jet planes that I eat in the car on the way have to stop.

The stupid thing about the scales are that earlier in the week they were sitting at 101.9 kgs ……so I am trying not to let it become the be all and end all….and that my clothes fit is more accurate…..but I can see the difference in my face….I feel very very puffy.

SO, I have to somehow work on why I am sabotaging myself…….I don[‘t get it, I want to be healthy so we can hopefully start a family…….so why am I doing it…….need some soul searching and find some answers.